My first STD was from a foam party
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
