Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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