my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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