we have officially lost it.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Randomize
