Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
