I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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