"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
