how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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