do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
