Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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