I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
try to milk me bitch
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