please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
