i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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