Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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