Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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