i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
