I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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