hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
