currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
