The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
sarcasm needs its own font
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
