she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
BRING THE BAGELS
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
