why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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