I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize