Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
