New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
