i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
