Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
