I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
