EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
