So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
