My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
she smelled like a LAN party
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
