if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize