Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
