the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
