Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
