Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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