I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
