i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
