When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize