if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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