I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
She announced her abortion via fbk
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
