I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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