I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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