I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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