So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
