Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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