What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
