God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
