It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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