If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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