WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
