Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'm always down for nudity.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
