Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
