What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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