no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
