My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
