He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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