I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
