My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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