Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
My life is pants optional.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
