If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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