There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
