I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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