my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
