this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
