Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
