Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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