my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
