I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
