perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
