I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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