that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
And then my night got REAL pukey
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
